Finding Comfort in Uncomfortable Conversations

Ephesians 4:25 What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself. The Message (MSG)

We've all heard of the different types of lying. Wikipedia defines a lie as one the following:
A lie is a false statement to a person or group made by another person or group who knows it is not the whole truth, intentionally.
- A barefaced (or bald-faced) lie is one that is obviously a lie to those hearing it.
- A Big Lie is a lie which attempts to trick the victim into believing something major which will likely be contradicted by some information the victim already possesses, or by their common sense.
- To bluff is to pretend to have a capability or intention one does not actually possess.
- The illusion is a lie often used to make the audience believe that one knows far more about the topic by feigning total certainty or making probable predictions.
- An emergency lie is a strategic lie told when the truth may not be told because, for example, harm to a third party would result.
- An exaggeration (or hyperbole) occurs when the most fundamental aspects of a statement are true, but only to a limited extent.
- A fabrication is a lie told when someone submits a statement as truth, without knowing for certain whether or not it actually is true.
- A half-truth is a deceptive statement that includes some element of truth. The statement might be partly true, the statement may be totally true but only part of the whole truth, or it may employ some deceptive element, such as improper punctuation, or double meaning, especially if the intent is to deceive, evade, blame, or misrepresent the truth.
- An honest lie (or confabulation) is defined by verbal statements or actions that inaccurately describe history, background, and present situations.

Hummmmn...what does all this about lies have to do with us? Well, the purpose in defining the types of lies is to illustrate that there are different motives for someone who lies. Some are for personal gain of some sort and some are to save the feelings of another. Think about the scenarios below:

We have all been in "meeting after the meeting, lesson, or presentation" with colleagues, supervisors, friends, or students, and have one of them ask us, "What did you think?" It's obvious that he or she wants your opinion of his or her performance. Uh oh! Panic. What do we do when we think something could have gone better? Do I tell him or her not?

Let's flip the situation...We are happily engaged in a conversation about something we've proudly participated in i.e. a lesson, a presentation, or an important meeting, only to be taken a back when someone has some criticism or "feedback" for us?

OR, We are sitting in a committee meeting, sales meeting, or professional learning community meeting discussing the results of some portion of our jobs. We notice that our numbers or data stand out in either a good way or not. It could be our sales numbers, our student achievement on a common assessment, work production data, or even the customer satisfaction surveys that are being compared with others. We fully understand that the purpose of these meetings is for accountability, professional learning, and mining best practices from one another. Do we choose to gloat and celebrate our good results; or do we humbly ask questions and share our formula? If we find ourselves in the bottom of a particular performance, do we choose to clam up, pout, and blame circumstances if our data isn't where it should be? Maybe we decide to be choose an attitude of "Wow, this is not what we want. What can we do to get better?"

In each of these everyday scenarios, we have a decision to make whether we are on the giving or receiving end of the feedback and discussion. There in the moment, we have just seconds to decide how to respond.



In the book of James 3:1, James says "...we who teach will be judged more strictly." Teachers therefore need to be challenged to guard their words and examine their lives. A teacher can be defined literally as an educator of students or in a broader sense it could be defined as any leader who provides training and leadership for others. The leader will be judged more strictly as he or she has great influence.

So when the time comes for us to serve in a role that requires us to give feedback we can do one of the following:
- Take the easy way out. Tell him or her what she or he wants to hear. Feed into excuses. Save the feelings of the other person, but fail to help him or her grow and improve. Provide a lie of sorts.
- Speak from the heart with love. Prayerfully choose your words and honestly, truthfully, yet gently, speak from your heart. Offer real suggestions and new ways of thinking or doing.

As the receiver of feedback we can do one of the following:
- Become defensive and make excuses. This is a common first reaction for many. If we let our knee-jerk reaction prevail, people may give up on telling us truth or trying to help us get better. They may conclude that we are incapable of change, growth, and improvement. But is this what we really want?
- Listen with a spirit of openness and humbly accept the feedback for what it is. If we have a friend or colleague who cares enough to tell us the difficult truth, shouldn't we listen? We all need to own the fact that we are of the flesh and are imperfect. We commonly lose sight of our vision or become tired and need reminders to be the best we can be. We can all get very comfortable in being “average” and living life in the land of comfort, but wouldn’t it be great if we could strive to be “awesome” instead? We will only become our best we are willing to open our hearts and minds to the words of others and accept that we all have room for growth. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of the fool is right in his own eye, but a wise man listens to advice.”

Dear Heavenly Father,

We pray for our attitude and hearts to be open to the giving and receiving of honest feedback in all of our relationships at work or at home. Help us to be courageous and know that the truth is always better than a lie. Give us the right words for difficult conversations so they will be heard in a way that is helpful to the receiver. Open our hearts to be humble when we are in the position of receiving feedback that may be hard to hear or even hurtful. Help us to remember that we can always get better and to appreciate the brave person who cared enough to tell us what we needed to hear to become the best we can be. Help us to always find comfort in the truth. In Jesus' powerful name we pray....Amen.